A note on “Oopsies!” And other modes of embarrassment

This is what one gets for reading David Sedaris past bedtime and feeling huffy. Luckily I never had my pants pulled down to my ankles in the middle school Courtyard, but now I can at least relate.

Normally if I were to rant nonsensically, it would be on the street corner with a donations cup present or it would at least be very well written. This is what pains me the most about the previous post that was accidentally thrust into the public domain, I should have at least employed one of those measures!

Long story short, said post (which has since been deleted), was meant for a private blog of mine which is a combination of character sketches, short stories and personal musings strictly with no audience. It is a lose weave between fiction and a dramatization of true life events, kinda like what you might see on a crummy crime show reenactment.

I suppose every writer needs their verbal underwear hung out at one point so that the power of the internet can come crashing down on them and rake them flailing into the ocean and leave the residue of respect in their matted, seaweeded hair (see dramatization really is just in my nature). One click, and dear friends and upright citizens of the world are emailed on my behalf with no par for recourse… Yikes! Power realized!

All in all, incase you were slightly concerned that I am on drugs, the answer is no (at least not often) and as far as I know I haven’t developed early onset dementia (though considering the poor quality of my health insurance, the jury is still out on that one). I’m quite apologetic that I may have hoisted upon you such an unpolished piece of unfiltered rant but please don’t take it, or me, too seriously. I am most sorry to anyone I may have offended or caused concern, it was a private head fantasy meant for no audience. There is an embarrassingly little amount of true drama to report so besides my brain (which is often unruly) and throbbing embarrassment, I am surprisingly well.

On the bright side I must say, at least my last name isn’t Wiener! Hooray!

Working Elusions of Grandeur

Oh God, well. Yes, I’ve been gone from the particular internet interface for a few months and instead writing moodily in my diary but I guess better late than never applies to blogging as well.

I appreciate positive feedback, in a rather pathetic way, though I’m working on not giving a fuc* (see not quite there yet, but close!) a little more often. So, here I am despite irritating personal advices that I invariably receive from beloved non-strangers concerning my writing temperament, exaggerated opinions and potentially poor life decisions (part of the reason I’ve been so unenthused about it lately too, ‘spose). Not to mention my talented ability to harass my own ego.

Also, I got this horrid thing called a real job. It requires heaps of time, thinking, making marginal amounts of money, seemingly stressful decision making, and sometimes people getting upset at me, and honestly(!) I have my feelings hurt enough getting honked at in traffic. It’s at an MMA gym at which I have been training Brazilian Jui Jitsu since moving to LA (…) and have a variety of ties (vaguely speaking). However, in ways it is exactly what I was looking for because since graduation I have a very real sense of anxiety about being a very old Los Angeles diner waitress/dis-inspiring actress and I’m really rather fragile. Plus I am learning some pretty neat-o things so I shan’t complain more than I already have in the last paragraph.

Furthermore, I’ve been acting. Nothing fancy, but stuff. Real live stuff! Music videos, short movies, and directors reels, mostly (also exclusively), but crazy thing is I’ve actually been booking them all by myself, like a really good ratio of them. And sometimes they pay me. I go in, shake a hand, I enunciate almost all of my words, sometimes I say something suave, and then I act. I feel emotions and sometimes impress people. I’ve booked work where I’ve had my lover die, grown tired of my lover and I am just smitten to dickens with my lover. I’ve played an alter-ego, “a rich girl driving a Mercedes G wagon” in a tube top (seriously though that was the character description), and a woman who is in love with beards, but not the people who inhabit them. I’m kinda good. I even cried repeatedly on cue and had the director refer to me as “an actress of your caliber” in a personal thank you letter, post-production. I mean that’s practically like the worlds most miniature Oscar (as you may have noticed I frequent between the states of painful self deprecation and elusions of grandeur). And while I have you here, I’ve let you know another thing! I’ve had TWO referrals from projects I worked on last month. Although one was for an “erotic romance horror movie” which unless its a movie about adorably horny teething piranhas, sounds an awful lot like porn…. ahh Hollywood :]. Don’t worry, I declined!!!

I’m allergic to piranhas.

Peace and plants,

Kelsie

Ventures in Panama

I decided to go to Panama because I didn’t have any good reasons not to.
Worrying about life is a really pointless yet still consuming American past time and sometimes a little escapism lends itself well to perspective.

I had the opportunity to go with a group from my Brazilian Jui Jitsu gym which, surprise, Ive been training at since October. I’m pretty deep into it, but that’s another story.

Anyways, a week ago I packed my passport and my Gi (one of those fancy fighting robes) and loaded a plane for Panama City. We took off and hearing the announcements in another language released me. I, like others of my species, have a tendency to get caught up in our own private worlds. Boarding a plane with a bunch of strangers, bound for a country that doesn’t know of your existence is pretty freeing. Also, I don’t know that many people in LA and if there is a way to meet cool people, I figured this was it.

The airport in Panama was smaller than a lot of second homes. We passed through customs and no one was confiscated, though it dawned on me that I was the only female. Not terribly shocking as most of Brazilian Jui Jitsu is either dudes or really tough girls so I wasn’t going to complain. We passed out the airport doors into the warm blanket of a Panamanian night. Our hosts, more guys, handed out “Balboas” a local beer, and Pipa, coconut water a damn tasty post flight combination.

We drove up to Panama City in a couple of cars, everything already oozing of laid back vibes. A two lane highway suspended thirty feet above the ground winded through the city like the Disney ride and I grinned from new discovery.
We got dropped off at our hotel and were told to meet back in the lobby in 15 minutes. It felt great not to make any decisions. Stepping outside the lobby I inhaled the sweet pungent odors of tropical streets. Parrots gossiped excitedly in large banyon like trees. Instead of feeling planted like most cities Panama has the distinct feeling of a city existing in a rainforest, albeit there is a lot more city than rainforest at this point. The canopies of the trees sprawled over the streets with dis abandonment as their roots emerged from cracks in the sidewalk like the large brazen worms from the horrible 80s movie, Tremors. I’ve always been comforted to see mother nature putting up a good fight against a manmade world, she always does so with great amounts of patience.

We made our way to the home of one of our hosts, Stephen, where some friends and dogs (redundant I know) waited us with fresh ceviche. We were staying in the middle of down town but funky little restaurants and grass lots still linger in the neighborhood. From the house we walked to a casino where we watched an MMA fight that was apparently a pretty big deal. This is definitely a new world for me and I am always amused and glad to be in surprising new environments. The mellowness of good Brazilian Jui Jitsu fighters is pretty surprising. Self deprecating humor and gentle persona seem to come along with the territory. I suppose taking the time to do something difficult and being willing to be bad at it for awhile is good for the ego. At least I hope so.

The closest I will get to my very own people’s choice award… This year.

Vicissitude

I’m going to pretend that you’ve noticed that I haven’t written in awhile. I’ll save you excuses if you just agree to excuse me. Perfect. I adore that you can’t talk back. Directly at least.

So, to get you quickly up to speed, Guillaume and I broke up after 5 and a half years of togetherness. Guillaume moved out. I went to Florida. I got rejected by the manager I really really really wanted (gently rejected at least). I got invited to do level 2 at Groundlings. I went to Las Vegas. I went camping in Santa Barbara. I went on some auditions. I felt pretty freaked out about the general direction of my life on a few occasions. I got “retired” from 10 best because of the break up. I went to The Peoples Choice Awards. I am now looking to move. Some other stuff too, but I think one of us having a mild anxiety attack about all this change is quiet sufficient. Plus, I almost forgot, the rest of the world! I mean really, a lot is always going on out there and it’s sometimes quite a lot to take in.

Now that I’ve introduced some of these themes to you I will divulge some detail. So, me and Guillaume = splitsville. Although I was the instigator it was as much as a surprise to me as it was to every other party. We had a really sweet and cozy relationship but I started growing in a different direction and I realized I liked that direction, and that part of myself. There really isn’t an accurate way to explain these kinda of feelings without sounding too cold or too emotional so I’ll refrain from breathing any more artificial life into them There were relatively few tantrums and finger pointing pointing which, I think serves as a reminder of the success our relationship was and is. He has been my friend and partner over the last five years and despite breaking up I still hold him in really high regard because frankly, he’s an awesome person. Despite doing our best to be zen adults, nostalgia, I think is the greatest battle. The idea that you are moving on from a place that holds a lot of fond memories and the idea that you will stop knowing the thoughts and actions of this person that you have grown to know so intimately. I guess that’s the ying and yang of love though. Life seems to have a way of balancing itself out.

Anyways. I’m not sure if there is anything zen or some giant conclusion I can come up with other than life is short. Despite being quite often petrified of the unknown, I’ve never let that stop me, for better or for worse. So there’s that. And all the changes and discoveries that come with extracting your immeshed life from another persons. Your belongings, your identity, your collective goals, your bills, your dog, your feelings, your sense of direction.

In other news. I was in Las Vegas for my friends 25^th birthday and had a most fabulous time. Despite having always thought Las Vegas was a dreadful place. I wrote about that venture in my very last publication at 10 best, which ended up ‘retiring’ me on account of my writing perspective no longer being “marketable” in my new found singledom. Blah. Ah well, frankly, if this is something I want to roll with I need to have my own voice anyways.

In other dire and drab news, I also turned down from the manager that I had gushed about a number of times. The good news though, it was a close game. I did the interview and I did quite well at it, she gave me a sturdy chunk of time which in the world of constantly feeling devalued as an actor makes you feel like a real-live-human being. She was honest with me from the get-go and said that this would be an inconvenient time to take on new, undeveloped talent as pilot season (January- March). It is the busiest time for working actors and their managers as that’s when all of next years pilot TV shows are being cast. And like I said, most of her clients are kinda big deals, and the ones that aren’t already in TV shows, she’s obligated as a good manager, to be spending all of her time to try and put in shows. And despite the wildly inaccurate voice in my head that sometimes tells me everything I want to hear, I’m not exactly ready to be staring in my own TV show, yet. She took a couple days to make the decision and said she thought I was really great and might be interested in meeting with me after pilot season which not only speaks about her legitimacy as a good manager but also her good sense.

In the meantime, it means I am back to square one in a variety of places in my life. The silver lining though, is knowing I have done it before and will do it even better this time because now I know just a little bit more. I figure, it’s not just the“facts of life” that count, it’s more about your experience and wisdom and growing as a person; rising up to handle new challenges better than I would have before. That said, I’m pretty terrified and pretty excited to build myself back up, better than before.

Oh, and because I know that you didn’t really care about anything that just went on in that last paragraph, The People’s Choice Awards were fun. I went with a friend that got tickets from a friend. I got dressed up and sat in the mezzanine and watched lots of stars collect awards. Is it strange that it brings me a sense of comfort that ‘the people’ have terrible taste?

Waiting in the hollyWoods.

One big fat fact of show biz, I’ve learned, is waiting. It’s become one of the very most significant features of my current life.

You have to wait to get auditions, wait in traffic on your way to your audition and wait at your audition. Then, you have to wait to hear back. Maybe you book it, and have to wait for the shoot date. When you get to the set you have to wait for your scene and wait for the the director to empty his memory card in the middle of your scene. Then you have to wait for the footage.

Yes there is stuff you can do between all the waiting, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are still waiting. It’s like being busy filing your nails in the grocery store line, or even reading a pretty intriguing magazine article in the doctors office, but still there is a little voice throwing verbal rocks at the back of your skull because your bleepin sick of waiting.

You also have to wait to find managers and agents.. You have to wait and see if they’ll respond to your gentle pestering. You have to wait to meet with them (…yes). When you do get an appointment to meet with them two months later, you’ll probably have to wait for them at lunch because they are important: and are allowed to be running late. After you meet with them, you have to wait for the answer. You have to wait to meet their list of demands (i.e. get better headshots, shrink two inches).

I know you’ve been waiting for the list of waiting to end for awhile now, and well, lucky for you, your wait has paid off. Now keep your fingers crossed for me !!

Sunday Drum Circle on Venice Beach

The best part is the game between the police and the wild dancing heathens (I’ll let you guess which category I fall into) that starts up at sunset when it’s time to disband. Police start their sirens. Drive a little closer. Drummers start up in a beat in synch with the sirens. The dancing gets even more intense. The police drive a little
closer and “woot” their sirens a few more time. The heathens take this opportunity to dance in the police car headlights and start a new beat to match the “woots”. I think despite everyone’s airs, it’s the most symbiotic relationship between police and dancing hippies I have ever seen. Everyone seems to enjoy the ritual, the healthy version of checks and balances.

Snooze king

I thought I was the worlds best snoozer but turns out my room-mate, Chris, has yanked that trophy right from my hands

New format, same love

Hi wonderful people of the world,
So my content is officially live at 10best.com Kelsie and Guillaumes Travels
Which means I am a paid published writer and my writing might be slightly more sparse on here cause now I have “deadlines” and “assignments” and fancy things like that.
Anyways- it should be mostly the content of this blog, just a little jazzier and with better spelling. If you like it, please share it and follow it. It’s kinda a big deal for me.
Best,
Kelsie
PS- the “bio luminescence” are out of control out here in Los Angeles the last few days. Night beach runs with Yogi led us to waves exploding into magical fluorescent light. Amazing. Like watching a lightning storm or meteor shower. I never thought LA would be so in touch with nature but living near the Pacific ocean is like having a very wild, very vast, jungle in your backyard.
Best,
Kelsie
PPS- For those who subscribe to this blog: apologies for occasionally scraggly posts! Sometimes I have an incoherent piece in my “drafts” section that I accidentally publish while Im trying to work on it and thanks to the ease of digital information it gets emailed out to everyone before I have the chance to delete! Yikes! Working on it…

A Day in the Life

My weekdays have become a pretty well oiled machine. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a lot of waiting but there’s always stuff to do, which I love.
I wake up and check actors access, and submit myself for roles that I think are fitting. Usually nothing too exciting comes up on actors access because they would go straight to agents with those, but it’s great for practice and demo building and meeting people which is what I’m about.
If I have an audition, the rest of the day is consumed mostly by preparing for, driving to or waiting at said audition(s).
Commercial auditions are generally speaking way easier for me at this stage because its usually just you in the room with a camera dude. They put you on tape and send it to the client so you don’t have those peering judge mental eyes trying to devour your soul until the call back, at which point you already know your good. In a commercial audition it’s, just a dude with a camera who doesn’t really care that much. I guess its the same for the tv and movie roles but for me it’s mostly those hungry student film makers who can make the auditioning process as awkward as possible. Eight of them sit in on the room and have you sit in a single fold up chair 50 feet away from them. You sit and fidget and might try to crack a joke and theyll look first at eachother trying to determine the aprpriate thing to do before laughing politely. This all sets the stage for a fabulous audition. Then if you are lucky they will either chose someone to “read” with you who is completely monotone, doesn’t know the lines and is standing at the back of the room so you have to make up this invisible person that’s standing next or a wanna be theater kid will read with you and sing songs each line as if he’s in a broadway musical. The worst that student film makers do is when they don’t take you and they send this “break up letter”. It’s like: Dear ______, while we think you are incredibly talented we have decided to go in a different direction. Again we think you are a special special magical person filled with rainbows and blah blah blah. I find the whole thing rather condescending, I never plan on getting it. You saw 405 people today, 51 in my exact demographic so I get it, my life does not end with you and your short film about a guy who gets dumped and tries to get the girl back in the most melodramatic of ways. I know I sound horribly bitter but really I’m not, the same way we actors see a lot of awkward scripts and auditions they probably see a lot of awkward acting, from myself included. The whole thing is no unlike some awkward first sexual experience. By the way- I booked another role for a short shooting next month, sounds pretty cool, yay!

So there are those days. There’s also days when Guillaume and I shoot and they either end with us high in a ball of creative energy or us hating each others guts and thinking the other is an uninspired nit wit, most usually a combination of the two.

There are also meetings with other actors or industry people for coffees. Sending quick “keeping in touch” emails to people you once worked with. Editing demo clips. Learning lines. Looking for cheap props. Updating resumes. Brainstorming new clips. Trying to get the printer to work. Groundlings classes. Brazillian Jiu Jitsu class (never hurts to have skills). Guillaume and I also watch movies and shows, sometimes even ones we think are bad and analyze every micro second like we are the world police on acting violations, it gives one a wonderful and false sense of authority. We play room mate volleyball and argue over who’s hair is clogging the drain (despite living with three boys, five if you include the dogs, there is a lot of long hair going on around here).

Mostly right now I’m waiting for news from the manager. I’ll call her K.D. hence forth. She’s awesome and we’ve hung a half dozen times at this point and have become pretty good friends. She really wants to represent me but is the newest of the three associates and hasn’t yet pitched a new client yet. Especially one so “green”. She was planning on bringing me up last Friday but high drama in the office decided it wasn’t the right time. Fingers crossed for this week, in the mean time I’ll be salivating at the thought.